11 Surprisingly Common Things You Should Never Say To An Adoptive Parent

February 9, 2017

Making the decision to bring a child into your home through adoption is something no family takes lightly.

There are countless reasons that can lead parents to the decision, but all that matters in the end is making sure their child feels as loved as any other family member.

Unfortunately, there are still a lot of lingering misconceptions about those who bring home a child they didn’t give birth to. Sometimes, a friend or loved one might think they’re making a completely innocent comment or asking a totally reasonable question without realizing just how hurtful, demeaning, and frustrating it is for the parents.

Do you have any adopted members of your family? Have you ever had to deal with annoying remarks from others like the ones below? Let us know in the comments and be sure to include any we might have missed.

And don’t forget to SHARE with your loved ones!

[H/T: The Stir]

1. “I’m Sorry You Couldn’t Have One Of Your Own”

1. "I'm Sorry You Couldn't Have One Of Your Own"

Again, their adopted child is their own. And infertility isn’t always an issue when a family decides to bring a kiddo into their home. In any case, this comment only demeans the relationships between those parents and the children they love with all their heart.

2. “I’ve Heard So Many Horror Stories About Adopted Children”

2. "I've Heard So Many Horror Stories About Adopted Children"

Citing rumors of children taken from traumatic upbringings and lashing out at their new family and asking if they’re worried the same will happen to them is like asking someone who just adopted a St. Bernard if they’re worried it will end up like Cujo.

Yes, there are cases of kids who weren’t treated well before adoption having a difficult time adjusting to their new life, but it is usually something the family is able to work on healing together.

It’s an insensitive comment.

3. “How Much Did They Cost You?”

3. "How Much Did They Cost You?"

Regardless of how a child enters a family, no parent ever sees them with a price tag over their head. Besides, giving birth in a hospital or with a midwife isn’t exactly cheap, either.

4. “Why Didn’t You Adopt From America?”

4. "Why Didn't You Adopt From America?"

This is just an inappropriate question. And beyond that, it’s just really not cut and dry. While many people assume that adopting outside the U.S. is a cheaper option, that isn’t always the case when you compare the cost of potential care for an expectant birth mother to a visa to leave the country, among many other factors.

5. “Why Did Their ‘Real’ Parents Give Them Up?”

5. "Why Did Their 'Real' Parents Give Them Up?"

First of all, the adoptive parents are the child’s real parents. Secondly, there are too many reasons to list for why a birth parent made the decision to give their baby to another family, and it’s often an emotional and complicated topic, so it’s best not to bring it up unless the parent does.

6. “Do You Love Your Biological Kids More?”

6. "Do You Love Your Biological Kids More?"

As hard as it might be to admit, this is a natural fear for an adoptive parent to have when they bring a child into their home with their biological children, so it is best to avoid this question.

The transition period can take time for both the parent and child to adjust to, but more often than not, they realize the love is just as strong for each of their kids.

7. “You’re So Kind To Take Them In”

7. "You're So Kind To Take Them In"

Nope, that’s the other way around — adoptive parents feel a thousand times more blessed to be able to raise their beautiful child that, by a huge miracle of luck on their end, they were able to meet and offer a happy home.

8. “You Look Like You Could Be Their ‘Real’ Parent”

8. "You Look Like You Could Be Their 'Real' Parent"

Apparently there are just too many folks who don’t know the meaning of “real” versus “birth” or “biological” when it comes to addressing adoptive parents, which can be heartbreaking for them to hear over and over again.

Even if they do share an incredible likeness with their new child, what makes them their real parent is that they are their real parent.

9. “What If The Birth Parent Wants Them Back?”

9. "What If The Birth Parent Wants Them Back?"

After personally seeing an emotional custody battle between a close family friend and her first adopted child, I totally understand why this fear might creep into a parent’s mind.

However, the truth is that laws set in place both domestically and internationally have made heartbreaking cases like that few and far between. In fact, more and more families are maintaining a connection between the child and their biological parents.

10. “When Are You Going To Tell Them They’re Adopted?”

10. "When Are You Going To Tell Them They're Adopted?"

This is a tricky issue for every adoptive parent to tackle and can vary depending on the age of their child when they were adopted.

In any case, it is a personal choice for every family to make on their own, and they don’t need second opinions making them feel judged.

11. “Did You Find Them On The Black Market?”

11. "Did You Find Them On The Black Market?"

Even as a joke, this can be super offensive considering the complicated issues surrounding the emotional reality behind actual black market situations happening all across the world.

And, again, saying something like this only puts distance between the parent and the child they love.

Have you adopted a child? Did we miss any annoyingly common mistakes people say while discussing your family? Let us know below and be sure to SHARE with your loved ones!